I never ever imagined I would be standing here in these shoes. You always expect in your mind that you will always be able to learn something new, you always imagine life as this world of ups and downs. I think everyone must believe their world is going to have a lot more ups and a lot less downs. I know that this is not the true case, but my feelings at this moment is that I am at one of my largest woes (lows).
Jaden is big on my topic list these days, and well he is still going to be on the list today, however please know that it is not all about him the stem is really coming from me.
We had another VERY ROUGH day at school. I took him to class all excited about going to school again. Then again we get to the door and the meltdown begins. “I don’t want to go to school, they will all look at me, I don’t like school” WHAT IS UP WITH THIS??? How can you tell me you want to go to school, and then when we get all the way up to the door, the world has to stop for you to have a fit??? So, little by little I get him all the way in the door, I turn to leave and here he comes. Then there is another little girl outside doing the same thing. I am thinking “GREAT, 2 OF US MAKING A SCENE OUT HERE”. I don’t know if I thought this girl was going to make it easier for me or what, but I looked at Jaden and said “look-see how that girl is acting, you are doing the same thing. you need to get your act together and get in that class, no options.” WELL LET ME TELL YOU THAT THIS DID NOT WORK EITHER. Then the teacher came to the door to try to help us. THANKFULLY, OR SO I THOUGHT. The little girl was pushed in first, and her mom went in with her. Then Jaden’s turn, she took his hand and slightly pulled him in and I shut the door, I turned and got about 20 feet away, and…. open door, and she slighted him out the door to me, and said “he has to go, he can’t be in class, he kicked me in the face.”
I waited in the office to talk to the counselor. Then back to her office we went. We spoke for a bit, or I cried not sure what I did more of. She made a couple of phone calls to find out if we can get him into a day treatment (for behavioral health). Well, let’s just say, that this is not going to work for us, because we DO have insurance. Yes, Tricare insurance is what we have along with all the other military families out there. And No you can not receive special treatment care for your child that they need for school, because you DO have insurance. This treatment is something that the school recommends and you can’t get it, because you DO have insurance??? Does this make any sense at all??
Jaden of course is not permitted to go into this teacher’s room anymore, so he is going to be moved back to the original teacher. Hopefully all will be good in that room the second time around. The principal just called me a bit ago to check on me. I told her that I am ok, physically, I just feel like I have failed Jaden, that I feel as if I must have done something wrong. She told me her story, and then told me that she will be there for me, and that they will not give up on us. As upset and humiliated as I am with all this, I hope that I really do get the support that I need for him.
Don’t get me wrong, he is not perfect, he is a normal child, but he does get very naughty at times, but it is not constant. I do not know what struck him this morning to lash out at the teacher, nor will I try to make an excuse, because there will never be one. BUT I would love to know what his trigger is, so that maybe we can get through this without another physical altercation. So this is where I say…. I never imagined that it would be me, standing in these shoes, with a kindergartener, kicked out of a class for a physical altercation towards the teacher.
So me being the stem, I wonder what can I do to make it better? What can I do to bypass one of his triggers? How can I find out what his triggers are? Am I what made him this way? Or maybe am I really his trigger?
Like all mommies, my job is to make it all better. How can I be a good mommy and not kiss away the tears? This is a tear that I can not wipe away. I am saddened that I don’t know how to fix this boo boo, but I am also upset with how I am feeling about the situation……