I have been thinking the past couple of wks about a comment made. Have I over thought it? Have I beat it up so much that I am keeping the wound fresh?
When Sean’s family was visiting for the 2 wks, many different things happened. We had a lot of good times. They celebrated their 40th and we our 17th! Hey that’s a long time for both of us! We all got a lot of time to spend together, and Sean was able to take lots of time off, which he NEVER does!
So what was the problem? What was the comment that cut me to the core?
We went to Sean’s softball game just a couple of days before they left, and while there, we (kids, me and parents) sat inside and had pizza while we watched Sean play. His dad sat at the table behind us, so that not only could he watch out the window at Sean playing ball, but could also watch the opening game on TV. I could only stay for the first game, because Jaden had school the next morning. And about 10 minutes before we were ready to leave this is what happens…
We are cleaning up our mess at the tables, Schyler had also gotten into the bottom of the stroller and dug out all of the diapers and had played with them on the floor, I knew that she was doing it, but really did not care, it gave a 1 yr old something to do, and I did not have to chase her down. It had only been about 2 minutes at most (you know how the attention span goes) and I look down at my feet where she was and then looked behind me (where FIL was sitting at table) and there went Schyler into the bar area, and Shyla going after her, as I am on the floor. I say “you can’t go into the bar, come back” as I am trying to get myself up as fast as I can, obviously not fast enough! I quickly pace past my FIL and at the same time hear MIL say “you are sitting right next to the bar and can’t help her?” and then his comment “they aren’t my kids, it’s not my job to watch them” He did not say this in a joking manner. He said it with conviction, and also a few moments later I heard him say “You don’t like it when I get after them and you don’t like it when I don’t, so I just don’t want to do anything with them”. It wasn’t in those exact words, but that was the jest of it.
So…. I waited until MIL and I left, before saying a word. I was pissed, and nothing I could have said would have been nice. I bit my tongue. So, I did tell her later that it hurt my feelings. Was I fueling the fire? I sure hope not, cause she was mad enough at him for the comments he made to her. And mind you… he did not know that I had heard him. He thought he was far enough away, but he wasn’t!
My feelings at the time were…..get out of my house, don’t come for a visit, don’t come back. Stay away from my kids, if you don’t want to be a grandparent don’t. I am not going to beg you to be a part of our lives. I didn’t ask you to watch my kids, but if you are going to be somewhere with us, and you see them doing something that they are not supposed to, then stop them, and if you can’t handle the responsibility of being around my family… then just don’t be around. You have only visited us in our homes, a total of 5 times in a 17 year stretch, don’t bother making it a 6th! It’s no wonder the other kids don’t have you around, maybe they are right.
I am so totally glad that I did not mouth off my feelings, cause it would be a total resentment. I would have been just saying things to hurt him, just as much as his little comment hurt me. I know that he did not know that I heard him, and that he was only saying what he meant at the time. But my feelings are… if you don’t want to be around, then don’t!
I have thought about this almost everyday for the past 2 wks since they left. And… I really feel pretty much the same. My MIL talk almost everyday, but have not talked about what transpired, until yesterday. She told me that she told him that I over heard and that he hurt me badly. From the sounds of it, he didn’t make excuses. All he said was “I just won’t go back again”. Seriously…. that pretty much put my words into action. I really did not say anything further to her, and kind of let it go. I am sure they were probably arguing and he felt trapped and again said what was on his mind. But REALLY???
How is it that you can be so far away from your family, and still really not want anything to do with them, and then pretend when you are around them, that you have missed them so much? Well, truthfully… I think my wall has been put up.. I have had time to think and rationalize, and maybe my first hateful thoughts were the real ones. Would I EVER say them out loud? NO WAY… I would never want to hurt someone with those thoughts. However they are my true feelings.
Don’t come back, don’t think that you have to play nice and be a part of our family, if you don’t want to be a grand father, then don’t. I didn’t and won’t beg you to be here. Come if you really want to, but if you have better things to do… then DO IT! Happy aging, I hope you don’t miss out, on the blessings of my children, and then regret it later!