Emotions have flown… part 2

Not only am I hoping to finish this post, and of course this being my vent system… I am hoping to move past… what seems to be at the opening of my eyes every morning, and the closing of my mind every nite.

My grandfather, being diagnosed a while back with Dementia, is more into the full-blown Alzheimer’s stage.  My mom has been the main care giver for him and for my grandmother who does have Alzheimer’s, herself (but does not know, my mom has chosen to NOT tell her).  My mom has “taken” over the roll, and strain of EVERYTHING… or so she see it.  However, when it comes right down to it… here is the real scoop.

My sister, kept mentioning that he needed to be evaluated, so that they could get him on the right doses of medication, and also so that they could get him more controlled.  Guess that’s sounding a BIT vague?  My mom and grandmother were taking him to the hospital every wk, sometimes even more often than  that.  He had these stomach pains. (if you ask me…  he doesn’t need medicine as often as he was given it)  the pains I am sure were there, but of course being in his state of mind, it is like asking a child how bad it really hurts?  It’s over whelming to them, and they can’t pin point what it is, or even exactly where it is and why.  He wasn’t eating like he should, with his mind not being right… he thought Mama was poisoning him.

Well, they finally after months and months of pushing the issue got him started in a program to be evaluated.  This could not be done from home, it had to be done from a hospital.  I have to say that he was able to get his medications adjusted, but with this came some lashing out.  And at this present moment, my grandfather is now living in a nursing home.  They are hoping to have a room open soon, where he can be closer to home, but this is also where my problems are at….

More of what my sister has done to eliminate the things that mom has to take care of… she found the evaluation center.  She (sister) is the one that makes the calls to VA, and the insurance companies to find out about coverage, to the nursing homes to see what is available, to the eval center to find out his status for the day.  My sister is the one, who is taking the initative to make sure things are done within the time table given… because my mom is too… overwhelmed… well when it boils down to it… her priorities are just not where they should be.  So when she makes the comments on a regular basis, of how busy she is having to deal with them all by herself, I don’t think she truthfully realizes how much she expects…not asks… but expects for my sister to do, while, still caring for her own 4 small children.  I am not saying that my mom has it easy, she doesn’t realize how much that she DOES NOT do, that others are doing for her.

My heart hurts for my grandfather… the strong man…. the wise man… the one who would protect you………..is now the one… who needs you to be all of this for him… and unfortunately this means a lot of different things.  My heart also hurts for my mom, who is slowly but surely realizing that her father is gone, and going even quicker in the mind by the moment.

My emotions have always been on… the tears flooding knob, when it comes to my mom.  As I said in the last post, and on many other occasions… I WANT my mom to be a part of my life, but every time I think it will be ok… I am slapped down with another big… DENIAL.

My mom.. has not spoken to me about any of the above information.  In fact.. she won’t talk to me about it, she simply does not return my phone calls, and to me it appears that she avoids my calls all together.  Even the couple of times that I have caught her on her phone she has had to hang up, so that she can take care of something else.

So I called my sister on my birthday, for instance… and I had already spoke to Andrea earlier in the day.  They were at dinner, so I was going to hang up, and my mom wants to talk to me.. she then tells me “happy birthday”.  How nice of her to take the time to call me!

A couple of months ago, I found some great priced airline tickets on Southwest.  I loved the fact that they do not charge change fees, especially under the health situations that are going on with my family.  So I called my sister and mentioned it to her.  She said even though it was late that she thought that I should call mom, and see what she thought about buying them for her to come out for her birthday (which was just this month).  I did call her and wake her up (3 hour time difference), she sounded tired but excited about coming out, even though it would be a short, long wkend stay.  She even said that my aunt would have to help out with my grandparents for the wkend.  So being as she was in bed, I purchased the tickets for her (we would work out money arrangements later).  At this point I was ecstatic…. my mom was actually going to put someone other than me, on the back burner… she was going to put everything on hold for me, when I actually asked her to come, and it was not an emergency, it was just to spend time with me, time for her birthday and my birthday was just before it.  Remember this transpired a couple months ago~!

jump back forward to now.. a few wks ago while my grandfather was still being evaluated, my sister and I talked, and I mentioned that I didn’t know if this was going to be the best time for mom to come for a visit, but that I knew that she needed time for herself also.  Then I had also talked with my grandmother about mom coming for a visit, and she thought that it was a good idea for mom to get away for a few days.  Then again I called my sister while she was out to dinner with my mom.  I said “I will let you go, so you can eat”  this is typical, we talk so often to hang up and talk a bit later is no big deal at all.  She says ‘mom wants to talk with you”  mom then gets on the phone (while they are eating dinner at a restraunt)  and says “would you be upset and to disappointed if I don’t come out?”  (this is I think on a Wednesday, she was supposed to come the next Thursday).  I said “mom you have to do what you need to do, to get Papa where he needs to be”  She then said that she would come when things settle down, and she gets him into a nursing home.

Last wk, a couple of days before I wrote part 1, my mom was had not returned ANY of my previous calls over the past wk or so.  This was on her birthday, I kept calling her at work (which she was in a different office I can understand), and then I called her at home and Mama would not allow me to talk with her, or my kids because my mom was laying down, cause she had a headache.  So I get a text from my sister..”mom is going to be here in about 15 minutes you guys can call her on my phone then”  I got a bit busy and then my phone rings a bit later, it was my sister…”did you get my text?”  we hung up and I got the kids together, and called…my mom answers my sisters phone, and the kids start singing.  Then the kids run off, I get to tell my mom “happy birthday”  she says thanks, of course then proceeds to say…

“I heard your dad might be coming to see you at Christmas?  If so I will send the kids things as his extra luggage for them.  Since I cancelled my flight, how much do I owe you for the tickets?   I won’t be coming anytime soon to see you.  I will just have your dad bring the things………”

I let the time pass, thinking that I am over reacting by being hurt by her side of the conversation… seeing as I sat completely stunned that a happy birthday, would end up being… how much do I own you, since I am not coming to visit you.

Why is it that my being 37 years old, can be hurt by someone, by my mother the same as when she changed the door locks on me at age 15?  How is it that I have such an ache in my heart, just wanting my mother to actually want to be with me and my family?  I purposely have been avoiding sitting and writing the rest of this blog, because I did not want to sit here and spill out my feelings…cause I knew that I would CRY Cry cry, non stop… and well…… I was totally right, my shirt is almost soaked as much as it could possibly be….

I understand, I even understood at the time, that it was bad timing, that my grandfather was in an evaluation center and needed to have a nursing home found, before she could leave the area.  I know that my mom does not have leave from work.. A lot of it has been used to take grandparents to the hospital, I don’t understand how, she takes the time off for the long wkends to go a couple of hours down the road to do geneology and spend time with her cousins, how she can take off for geneology conferences that are a few hours down the road from her.  How she can take off to go to garage sales, and shopping when she is SICK?  Then on the other hand tell me that she does not have the time to take off work to come visit me and my children.

I guess since my face is burning right now, from the tears that just keep flooding and rashing my face, I should take another break from this post.. So there may be a part 3…..  I am going to leave tonight with one question….

Is there ever going to be a point in my life, that I will feel… that it is ok, for my mom to not want to be a part of my life?  Will there come a time, that it won’t hurt me so bad….. that I am… just not worthy of her time, or cares, or UNDIVIDED love?


Emotions have flown.. part 1

What does it take to actually get you all emotional?  To get your emotions flying so high?  What really gets your emotions so aroused that you are constantly in tears?  I am not talking about depression.  I fought that off and had a really hard time with that back in 2005.

I have mentioned on more than one occasion about the relationship that I have and even don’t have with my mom.  Our history, is of a completely different nature, one that I hope that I would never inflict on anyone.  One that I hope that no one ever would have to endure.  I know that many have had it much worse, and for that I am Truly sorry.  I will not try to say that I was abused, because that is not the case, my mother loved me very much when I was young.  It really wasn’t until my parents divorce that I think that she changed.  I guess the best way to explain the feelings I had from about 15 years old on was…. my mother that I had for my first 11 years passed and I now had what filled my mother’s body.

My mom became very bitter, very hardened, very very closed off, when my dad and her split.  I moved out when I was 15 after much thought about why I was making my decision.  Now… here is the absolute truth, no hiding and no complaining.  I chose to move out, cause I was always in trouble, I could do no right in my moms eyes.  I honestly believe the only thing she could see in me, was the hurt that my dad caused her.  I was very close to my dad, I am not sure that if he had a son, that he would have even been able to have the relationship with him that he had with me.  My dad was and has always been my best friend.  ( yes I complain about his financial stupidity, and how he really drives me crazy, and that our relationship is not what it was before I took over his finances, and also the fact that he is very selfish and self-centered… but he is still the person that I cry to, even at 37 years old).  My plan was never to completely move out, it was just to take a break from the situation, for my mom and I to work out what ever the underlying problem was… you see I really did not get into trouble for the things that I did, cause I really hadn’t done anything.  That is not a kid talking that is me as an adult talking… I honestly did not do anything.  Anyways my mom stayed home from work the next morning to change the locks on all the doors, so that I could not go back into her home.  I found this out the next afternoon, when going to her house as I told her that I was going to do, and of course I could not get in.  This put even more of a wrench in our relationship.   We really did not talk much over the next couple of years.

Over the years, my mom and I get a bit close and become better friends, and then her bitterness flies up.  Every time that Sean has deployed, she has opened her home up to me.  If I have ever NEEDED for anything, she has made sure that it was taken care of. Yes, my mom has been there for every NEED.  Back in 2004 when I had Jaden, Sean and I had been married for 10 years already.  Jaden was born early.. 34 wks and 5 days… a whopping 5 lbs 13 oz.  He was not a tiny baby for being so early, but he was not developmentally ready.  His lungs had not completely developed, don’t get me wrong… we were very lucky, he just lived in an incubator with oxygen pushed through his tank (I know, I know it sounds like I am talking about an aquarium).  He was a bit jaundice and he was not a good feeder.  I did not know how he was doing when he was first-born, because they rushed him away (I was not able to deliver him and ended up emergency c section.)  After a couple of wks of running back and forth to the NICU where Jaden lived at, in the middle of Alaska winters, I was talking with my mom on the phone.  I was upset, the times that I had talked with her during my pregnancy she was going to plan on coming out a couple of wks after his birth.  All these wks had passed and NOT once did she mention coming, in fact…. it was almost the opposite.  She wouldn’t talk about coming at all, and she would talk about how excited she was and she didn’t know when she would come because my sister was going to be having her 2nd baby.  My feelings, being all emotional as they were…. thought she didn’t want to waste her money on coming to see us, because we didn’t know when Jaden was going to get out of the hospital, and (I know this to not be true, but emotionally unsound like I was) I felt as if she  didn’t think he was going to make it, so why bother.  I really know that this is not how she felt.  BUT it is… how I felt at the time.  So… I said it… and you know what… she had tickets for 2 days later to come see us.

My mom opened her doors to us, in 2009 when Shyla was just 8 months old, Jaden was 4 and I had just found out that I was prego with Schyler, Sean and I had just been evicted from our home that we were renting (due to foreclosure)  and at the same time we found out that Sean was going to Iraq.  We moved me and the kids to Ohio with my mom.  The 2 kids and I lived in 1 bedroom, and my mom and I spent a lot of time together.  It was so nice to get the time with her that I have not had since I was a small child.  It was rough, this was when we started noticing signs of the dementia and Alzheimer’s with my grandparents.  My mom owns a home, where they all live together.  I have mentioned this in the past as being one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  However, I know things happen for a reason, and I am down deep happy that I did get the time with my grandparents before it got to what it is now.  And this time helped my relationship tremendously with my mom, and completely built the relationship… that I have NEVER EVER had with my sister before.

I came back to Vegas in Oct 2009 and Schyler was born at 33 wks 5 days at a very large 3 lbs 10 oz.  Our itty bitty, was just that, itty bitty, and perfect.  We could not have been blessed with anything more perfect than her.  Had she been born at 35 wks, she would have come home.  Should she have been born at 5 lbs, she would have come home….but since she was neither she had to get to a fat 4 lbs and 35 wks before they would release her from NICU.  They took her emergency, because I was killing her off… I was killing me off.  My blood pressure was 219 over 117 while on the highest dose of blood pressure meds they could give me, I had migraines from the medicine and I was bed ridden from Monday to  Thursday when they finally couldn’t wait any longer to take her.  They had me leave the hospital on Saturday morning and basically rushed me out, because as the nurse said “how quickly can you leave, do you need me to call a taxi, we need your bed”.  Sunday I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest, I took my blood pressure on a new wrist cuff.  It was 220 over 112.  I called the base and the guy told me it was normal.  Monday, I called back, and Monday afternoon, I went in for a check.  They decided to keep me.. I was back at the 217 over 117.  Sean had only been home from Iraq for 2 wks.  And going back and forth from our rental that I had for 3 wks (that was in foreclosure again, we had just found out) that was across town, to me (at the base) and then south to where the baby was, and then back to me and back to our other children a couple of times a day.  My mom jumped on a plane and was here.  Again, even though I hated to admit it, I needed her, to take care of my family.  All the doctors kept telling me was that they could not get my pressures down, and that they had just lost a mother to this exact same thing (the base did not lose them, but it was a dependent that was sent down town) and that they did want to help me.  My NEEDS were to have my family taken care of… and with one quick YES to my mom…. a flight was purchased.

Skip forward to this year…. My grandfathers dementia has become full-blown Alzheimer’s.  The decision was finally made to take him to a hospital and have him evaluated.  Finally.. the stepping up to the plate.


****I am stopping at this point… mostly because I can’t hardly see straight because of all the tears, and so this is why I had to go back and write part 1.  I suppose you are getting where my history is… so… this in my head is where I am trying to sort through my feelings and why I actually feel the way I do.  You know sometimes you have to sort through all the things to figure out what to throw out?  Well, I guess in a way I am trying to sort out my emotional garbage, and see what I need to throw out, and what I need to repair.  Right now my heart has been completely broken, so I either need to mend it (temporarily) and deal as I always have, or be willing to throw out the garbage and go from this point forward, and be willing to do that with the attitude of…. live, learn, turn the other cheek and no regrets….. I think for me to fully do this… I started this blog to vent and share, I hope I don’t offend anyone, I just need to get it out.. so there will be a part 2… sorry!

chore chart?

I had this nifty little idea last wk, that I would make myself a daily chore chart.  This was a fantastic idea, seeing as ususally, I make a chart every single morning of all the things that I would like to get accomplished for the day!

I decided instead of scouring down the kitchen and living room like 30 times a day, and barely getting any of the rest of the house clean (upstairs) that I would make a list of what I for sure wanted to get done on which days of the wk.  Nothing extraveagent, just the things like, my master bathroom, linens, kids rooms, sweep and dust up stairs, my bedroom, ceiling fans) you know the normal things that have to be cleaned on a regular basis.

I really just don’t like going up and down the stairs everyday, so I decided to make this chart!  I had it in a notebook, right on the counter (you know where you put things that you don’t want to misplace!)  I put it there on friday and low and behold on Monday…. guess what…it got lost in the  shuffle….

So do you think this is a sign that I don’t need a chore chart?  Or is it an even better sign, that I should not have to clean until I find the chore chart?

I guess I should have asked the question before I wrote this…cause I gave up and made a new one!  Let’s see if I can keep this one, and even more importantly lets see how I do on it!  And let me also be clear!!!!  This was a chore chart for me… not for my critters!!!!