Not only am I hoping to finish this post, and of course this being my vent system… I am hoping to move past… what seems to be at the opening of my eyes every morning, and the closing of my mind every nite.
My grandfather, being diagnosed a while back with Dementia, is more into the full-blown Alzheimer’s stage. My mom has been the main care giver for him and for my grandmother who does have Alzheimer’s, herself (but does not know, my mom has chosen to NOT tell her). My mom has “taken” over the roll, and strain of EVERYTHING… or so she see it. However, when it comes right down to it… here is the real scoop.
My sister, kept mentioning that he needed to be evaluated, so that they could get him on the right doses of medication, and also so that they could get him more controlled. Guess that’s sounding a BIT vague? My mom and grandmother were taking him to the hospital every wk, sometimes even more often than that. He had these stomach pains. (if you ask me… he doesn’t need medicine as often as he was given it) the pains I am sure were there, but of course being in his state of mind, it is like asking a child how bad it really hurts? It’s over whelming to them, and they can’t pin point what it is, or even exactly where it is and why. He wasn’t eating like he should, with his mind not being right… he thought Mama was poisoning him.
Well, they finally after months and months of pushing the issue got him started in a program to be evaluated. This could not be done from home, it had to be done from a hospital. I have to say that he was able to get his medications adjusted, but with this came some lashing out. And at this present moment, my grandfather is now living in a nursing home. They are hoping to have a room open soon, where he can be closer to home, but this is also where my problems are at….
More of what my sister has done to eliminate the things that mom has to take care of… she found the evaluation center. She (sister) is the one that makes the calls to VA, and the insurance companies to find out about coverage, to the nursing homes to see what is available, to the eval center to find out his status for the day. My sister is the one, who is taking the initative to make sure things are done within the time table given… because my mom is too… overwhelmed… well when it boils down to it… her priorities are just not where they should be. So when she makes the comments on a regular basis, of how busy she is having to deal with them all by herself, I don’t think she truthfully realizes how much she expects…not asks… but expects for my sister to do, while, still caring for her own 4 small children. I am not saying that my mom has it easy, she doesn’t realize how much that she DOES NOT do, that others are doing for her.
My heart hurts for my grandfather… the strong man…. the wise man… the one who would protect you………..is now the one… who needs you to be all of this for him… and unfortunately this means a lot of different things. My heart also hurts for my mom, who is slowly but surely realizing that her father is gone, and going even quicker in the mind by the moment.
My emotions have always been on… the tears flooding knob, when it comes to my mom. As I said in the last post, and on many other occasions… I WANT my mom to be a part of my life, but every time I think it will be ok… I am slapped down with another big… DENIAL.
My mom.. has not spoken to me about any of the above information. In fact.. she won’t talk to me about it, she simply does not return my phone calls, and to me it appears that she avoids my calls all together. Even the couple of times that I have caught her on her phone she has had to hang up, so that she can take care of something else.
So I called my sister on my birthday, for instance… and I had already spoke to Andrea earlier in the day. They were at dinner, so I was going to hang up, and my mom wants to talk to me.. she then tells me “happy birthday”. How nice of her to take the time to call me!
A couple of months ago, I found some great priced airline tickets on Southwest. I loved the fact that they do not charge change fees, especially under the health situations that are going on with my family. So I called my sister and mentioned it to her. She said even though it was late that she thought that I should call mom, and see what she thought about buying them for her to come out for her birthday (which was just this month). I did call her and wake her up (3 hour time difference), she sounded tired but excited about coming out, even though it would be a short, long wkend stay. She even said that my aunt would have to help out with my grandparents for the wkend. So being as she was in bed, I purchased the tickets for her (we would work out money arrangements later). At this point I was ecstatic…. my mom was actually going to put someone other than me, on the back burner… she was going to put everything on hold for me, when I actually asked her to come, and it was not an emergency, it was just to spend time with me, time for her birthday and my birthday was just before it. Remember this transpired a couple months ago~!
jump back forward to now.. a few wks ago while my grandfather was still being evaluated, my sister and I talked, and I mentioned that I didn’t know if this was going to be the best time for mom to come for a visit, but that I knew that she needed time for herself also. Then I had also talked with my grandmother about mom coming for a visit, and she thought that it was a good idea for mom to get away for a few days. Then again I called my sister while she was out to dinner with my mom. I said “I will let you go, so you can eat” this is typical, we talk so often to hang up and talk a bit later is no big deal at all. She says ‘mom wants to talk with you” mom then gets on the phone (while they are eating dinner at a restraunt) and says “would you be upset and to disappointed if I don’t come out?” (this is I think on a Wednesday, she was supposed to come the next Thursday). I said “mom you have to do what you need to do, to get Papa where he needs to be” She then said that she would come when things settle down, and she gets him into a nursing home.
Last wk, a couple of days before I wrote part 1, my mom was had not returned ANY of my previous calls over the past wk or so. This was on her birthday, I kept calling her at work (which she was in a different office I can understand), and then I called her at home and Mama would not allow me to talk with her, or my kids because my mom was laying down, cause she had a headache. So I get a text from my sister..”mom is going to be here in about 15 minutes you guys can call her on my phone then” I got a bit busy and then my phone rings a bit later, it was my sister…”did you get my text?” we hung up and I got the kids together, and called…my mom answers my sisters phone, and the kids start singing. Then the kids run off, I get to tell my mom “happy birthday” she says thanks, of course then proceeds to say…
“I heard your dad might be coming to see you at Christmas? If so I will send the kids things as his extra luggage for them. Since I cancelled my flight, how much do I owe you for the tickets? I won’t be coming anytime soon to see you. I will just have your dad bring the things………”
I let the time pass, thinking that I am over reacting by being hurt by her side of the conversation… seeing as I sat completely stunned that a happy birthday, would end up being… how much do I own you, since I am not coming to visit you.
Why is it that my being 37 years old, can be hurt by someone, by my mother the same as when she changed the door locks on me at age 15? How is it that I have such an ache in my heart, just wanting my mother to actually want to be with me and my family? I purposely have been avoiding sitting and writing the rest of this blog, because I did not want to sit here and spill out my feelings…cause I knew that I would CRY Cry cry, non stop… and well…… I was totally right, my shirt is almost soaked as much as it could possibly be….
I understand, I even understood at the time, that it was bad timing, that my grandfather was in an evaluation center and needed to have a nursing home found, before she could leave the area. I know that my mom does not have leave from work.. A lot of it has been used to take grandparents to the hospital, I don’t understand how, she takes the time off for the long wkends to go a couple of hours down the road to do geneology and spend time with her cousins, how she can take off for geneology conferences that are a few hours down the road from her. How she can take off to go to garage sales, and shopping when she is SICK? Then on the other hand tell me that she does not have the time to take off work to come visit me and my children.
I guess since my face is burning right now, from the tears that just keep flooding and rashing my face, I should take another break from this post.. So there may be a part 3….. I am going to leave tonight with one question….
Is there ever going to be a point in my life, that I will feel… that it is ok, for my mom to not want to be a part of my life? Will there come a time, that it won’t hurt me so bad….. that I am… just not worthy of her time, or cares, or UNDIVIDED love?